i knw how u feel 8ah...
why do these suicidal thoughts keep coming....argh!!!!!!
before exam: depression level = 100%
i keep revising....reading....on and on and on...nuthing seems to go in...7 cases....ive planned everythin...prepared a timetable...searching for several good studying spots...motivate myself to study....nuthing seems to work....i end up sleeping instead...everytym, i re-assure myself..ok...i can do this..i can study in d evening/early am if i cant study during d day...then in d evening...the same thing happens...i dunno wats happening to me...why??
so..d last day..sunday...24hours left before exam..7 cases to revise...will i be able to do it??? i keep motivating myself..reasurring myself..dat i can get thro this...but u knw wat happen? i get even more depressed..so i just read..n read..n read....i dunno wat happen...my mind just went blank..i dun even know if im actually registering watever it is im reading...at dat pt..i criusly think i wanna kill myself...jump off the roof or smashed my car into a tree or sumtin...i dunno...i feel soo worthless...
so...after sumtymm....i tot to myself....the hell w/ it..so, i wuld suck w this paper..if dats d case...ive promised myself...i WILL do better for the next module...Im determined...
so dat morning..., i went for the subuh prayer...i pray...pray....pray to GOD...dat i would be able to answer d paper...even tho i wasnt able to finish revising all...hoping dat watever dat i learnd during SDL n PBL wuld still stuck sumwhere in my head/brain/watever...
hmm...wanna noe wat i did...i even pushed bob away...i made him n ask him to leave bndar n stay in KB, dun c me or contact me all this week cz i dun want him to worry bout me..i dun wanna trouble him..dun wan him to keep worryg bt me .
after exam: depression level = 90%
yea...d paper ws hard..but surprisingly....it wsnt as hard as i expected it to be....Alhamdullillah...thank god....though i know i culd do better...but surprisingly...i was able to remember all those things dat ive learned during pbl n sdl...of course..there's sum guessing work..but wat the heck..at least ive answered the paper...
so yeap...im glad i pray dat morning...im glad i still have sumthing to hold on to when things get tough...
dun wanna think bt it anymore..no use in regretting..wat i need to do knw is study hard n smart for the nxt module...
my schedule:
PLAN A
tues - case 14 (1pm-4pm)
case 13 (5pm-9pm)
wed - case 12 (10am-2pm)
case 11 (3pm-7pm)
case 10 (9pm-2am)
thurs - case 9 (10 am-2pm)
case 8 (3pm-7pm)
fri - back up plan: PLAN B just in case i wont be able to finish any one of the cases
- study from 9am - 10pm
- revise english
sat - back up plan: PLAN C just in case i still cant finish any of the cases
- revise ppd and oc
sun - back up plan: PLAN D
- revise ppd and oc just in case i wont be able to do it on sat
- revise all
yeap...i hope this tym arnd i would be able to finish all...we can do it girls...thanks babes for d moral support..
still loving myself....(dun worry..im not gonna kill myself k...)
Far~
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